Match Report courtesy of Mark Blick

A savagely long journey brought Rudgwick to play a strong and battling Normandy FC. A risky move from their player on the line saw them drop to 10 men quickly. Rudgwick still had to battle hard but managed to bring home the W and advance to the next stage of the cup.
Rudgwick are now unbeaten since mid September and are knocking goals home for fun.

Final Score 6-1.

Luke ‘Samwise Gamgee’ Burrows – If the Rudgwick outfield team were Frodo Baggins, then this man would surely be Samwise Gamgee. He’s the support and backbone we need and can always rely on. Very unlucky not to save the penalty after tossing himself through the air like Aragon did to Gimli during the battle of Helms Deep. Don’t tell the elf. Wears the colour orange better than the average man which is fortunate as he is head to toe in the stuff. He doesn’t drop the ball and definitely isn’t dropping no eaves.

Andrew ‘Bilbo Baggins’ Whitworth – The most stylish thing about this guy is not his new boots, as much as he would like it to be, nor is it his strange, matted and curly black hair; the most stylish thing about Whitty is of course, his ride. Man turns up to Normandy in something Xzibit or Tim Westwood would be proud of. Football wise, he was decent. Played the easy ball and relatively solid at the back. He’s proving to be a wise head at the back is well worthy of his starting place. Distinct lack of gut exposure for my liking though…

Simon ‘Denethor II’ Lockwood – Good to see the mad Viking back. Whether it was through boredom or lack of conversation at the back, the bearded brit turned his attention to the substitute striker of Normandy. Aggressive with his approach, Denethor attempted to make friends by letting the lad know that it was down to Denethor’s own choice that the striker’s legs weren’t broken. This wasn’t taken as the gift that it was intended but instead as more of an open threat. Either way, it was thoroughly enjoyed by me.

Dan ‘Aragorn, son of Arathorn’ Baker – If this guy were a car, he would be one that only Andrew Whitworth would be able to drive. Always in complete control, even when he’s throwing Cruyff turns about in the 6 yard box like a tipsy John Stones. If I had a penny for every time someone compared his role within Rudgwick to that of Aragon, son of Arathorn II, during the Lord of the Rings, I would have around 3 pence. Side note; I’m the only person to make the blatant comparison.

Harry ‘Sharku’ Pleece – Mr 100% in to tackles unfortunately only managed 45 minutes this Saturday due to a prior engagement he had with a pesky injury. I would like to say this guy was solid and composed during the match, and for the most part, he was. However, I cannot say he had the perfect half because of one horrible instance we were all forced to watch… I am of course referring to Harry when he… he fell! He took a little a little tumble of the bank of the leaves. All 21 men watching on the pitch burst into laughter as we watched Rudgwick’s right back squirm around on the floor like a fish plucked out of the forbidden pool. This put us all in very good humour. Football wise, he is becoming incredibly consistent at the back and a key defensive player.

Hamish ‘Theoden, King of Rohan’ Tunnel – Sporting a new dodgy barnet this week, the vice-captain continued his run of good form. Commanding the midfield like Theoden did to the army of Rohan on countless occasions, Mish ran around like a geezer for 90 minutes. If I were to make one criticism of this swollen gentlemen, it would not be about him still rolling up the sleeves of our now short sleeved kit, instead it would be the defiance in returning to the guylights. We’ve seen some moody looking stuff sported by Mish (I am of course referring to that horrendous leather jacket that is yet to make it’s second appearance) but never have we seen someone own a style as well as this boy and his blonde tipped hair. Give the people what they want and return to what’s really good. Still yet to shower post game.

Nick ‘Nasgul’ Watt – I often think of Nick as a man that doesn’t enjoy anything apart from the darker things in life. Even an advanced role up the pitch didn’t put a smile on his face. Instead, Kizz and I received shrieks similar to that of the Nasgul flying over Osgiliath, for the ball to be played to him. Of course, both Kizz and myself thought better of this and we ended up scoring. ‘Surely this will get me out of the jaws of this Nasgul’ I thought to myself as I jogged back to the halfway line after the goal, but no. ‘You need to pass me the ball! Why do you hate me so much?!’ – Nick Watt, 2018.

James ‘Gollum/Smeagol’ Healey – When Mr Matthews called the formation out with Healey at #10, I thought to myself, ‘Good lord, this is a bit early in the season to play position roulette’, especially with the inform J. Berwick in the team but unfortunately this was not the case. Starting at number 10, the dishevelled young man kept slipping back into CDM and ending people like we all know he can. He committed the most nailed on yellow card foul I have ever witnessed during a football match. I had to rub my eyes to make sure it wasn’t Sergio Busquets scything down their winger on the counter attack. I swear the gaffer said that he would pay for ‘professional fouls’ at the beginning of the season though? However, in the CAM position he did provide a perfectly weighted assist and, when in position, displayed some good, attack minded runs. Oh, and I compared him to Gollum because, well, what did you expect?

Joe ‘Gimli, son of Gloin’ Berwick – Very much like Gimli, this forward does the brutal, gritty and unpleasant jobs for the luxury players. An unsung hero, if you will. This man would even challenge the Witch King of Angmar in an aerial dual (not advised, the WKoA is a formidable force, despite how he was displayed in the LotR trilogy). Another solid game for Rudgwick, despite playing on the wing for the most part. Watching Joey on the wing is like giving Gimli a sword; sure, he’s decent and dangerous but give him the CAM role/Axe and he becomes a formidable and overly aggressive force.

Kieran ‘Legolas, son of Thranduil’ Greig – I was trying to save Legolas for myself, but after some scary accurate passing with the outside of the boot which would leave Ricardo Quaresma blushing, I must forfeit the comparison and hand it to Kizza. If I could take you back to the battle of the Warg riders where Legolas kills a scout and then pings arrows between the eyes of the oncoming Wargs and their riders, you will be able to compare Kizza quite easily to that regal, silver haired elf. Spraying balls all over the gaff and threading them through the eye of the needle was lovely to watch. Our chemistry levels have gone from 7 to 9 over the last few weeks. Always on the scoresheet and this weekend was no different - Legolas with a brace.

Mark ‘Peregrin Took’ Blick – Managed to shake off the horror show of his finishing from last week and prod 4 home. Gave away one of the most horrendous bites the young hobbit has ever experienced earlier in the day which he will not be allowed to forget anytime soon... Fool of a Took!

Jordan ‘Gandalf the White‘ Easton – The man came on for Sharku at HT and made sure that no man, winger or Balrog was passing. Made some decent forward passes and is really racking up the KMs per game since shifting that gut of his. 2 stone down and 5kms a game more, this old wizard is making his presence known amongst the squad. He’s had a segue from plump Gandalf the Grey to the slimline, vegan, Gandalf the White. Doesn’t get anywhere near enough stick for having the same diet as a sheep/Whitworth.

Adam ‘Boromir, son of Denethor’ Kemp – A real mixed bag for Kempy. Very much like Boromir’s popularity during the fellowship, Kempy’s form had more rises and drops than a ride at Thorpe Park. A real weird first 5 minutes for the substitute saw everything come off an undesired joint. However, through perseverance and trust in his ability, he continued to get in good positions and really got a foothold in the game. Can’t talk about his game without mentioning that miss. 5 yards out with an open goal is easy, but on a bobbly pitch it can be a place of nightmares…

Dan ‘Tree Beard’ Burwood – This guy’s form has really been flying under the radar. Becoming a key player amongst the Rudgwick squad and, although he works night, is always a bag of running when he puts on the sexy black and blue short sleeved T. Unconfirmed reports and viscous rumours suggest he has a car, although no one has ever seen it.

Bradley ‘Meriadoc Brandybuck’ Barnett – My man, Merry is not the same without Pippin and vice versa. Good the see Brad back on the team sheet and put in a solid shift when he came on. Let’s hope he’s around for more games so he can ask us if something is ‘too jazzy’ a load of times. I enjoyed how weak he was when telling the us he had to get off straight away after the match, only to give in immediately and meet us at the Fox.

Ian ‘Elrond, son of Eärendil’ Matthews – Never played under a manager that stands on the sidelines and gives abuse to his own players, compliments the opposition and screams ‘Shape!’ more than this wise elf, however, I have also never played under such a successful manager. Yet to admit that it’s him and will continue to think it is a coincidence. I am enjoying the amount of Rudgwick merchandise he is bringing into the changing rooms.